How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
