you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
