sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
