when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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