You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
