Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
