just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
