Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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