Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
