I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
