Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i think my mom watched the whole time
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
