I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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