About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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