I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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