nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
