Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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