she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
