M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He felt like a one man threesome
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
