At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
