Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
