i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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