I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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