Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
