woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
