I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
