one two three fourrrrnication!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
