i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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