My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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