i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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