The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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