oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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