Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
