At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
