Where are you?
In a non slutty way
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
