I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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