when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
