Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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