I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
