trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
