and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
