Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
