Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
