Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just had sex on a roof
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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