the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
