Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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