I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
