i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
