All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She's the barista slut.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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