Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
