just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
